Army Attempted Creation of Superhuman Soldiers

From the days of “What the heck were we thinking?”

By Sidney Speltzer

Inspired by both comic books and Hollywood, the U.S. Army once attempted to create a team of superheroes. It was hoped that superhuman powers would be induced by utilizing intense radiation to mutate a squad of soldiers.  It was 1957, and the Army Brass were all abuzz with investigating the possibilities for their new toy, the atomic bomb.  Hollywood movies “The Amazing Colossal Man” and “The Incredible Shrinking Man” were both released that year.   The influence of these movies was significant, as the “Brass” all came to the simultaneous conclusion “Why couldn’t we do that?”
 

Inspired by Comic Books and Hollywood

Knowing little of genetics, or the possible side effects of radiation, the Army quickly assembled a team of five volunteers (and a sixth non-volunteer cameraman) and placed them within a strategic location at the Nevada Nuclear Test Site.  They then launched a 2 Kiloton nuclear weapon to explode directly above them, with the hope that the team would mutate into a squad of superpowered soldiers. Project lead, General Armbuster postulated, “If we can get just one member of the team to mutate, then it will be worth the risk.”

The Fantastical Five

Amazingly, all members of the team survived the blast.  Unfortunately none of them become endowed with superpowers.  But the Army was successful in mutating them, as all six eventually developed cancer.

International Children’s Drug Ring Busted

Group was raising money for summer camp

By Samuel Bates

This week the International Criminal Police Organization (INTERPOL) rounded up members of a drug smuggling organization that peddled a most unusual product.  A statement issued by INTERPOL detailed a lengthy investigation that culminated in the dismantling of this international criminal organization run entirely by children.  Due to prohibitive price increases at European summer camps, a group of ingenious children came up with an alternative way to fund their yearly summer trip.  The children discovered that crack cocaine makes an excellent sugar substitute when introduced to candy. 

The group began to market their “product” in a special form favored by local crack addicts, the now notorious Lakupiipu (Finnish for licorice pipe).  Police became alarmed when suddenly people of all ages began to act in  erratic ways. It became even more apparent that something was amiss these same people also developed a voracious appetite for a certain candy.  The following video illustrates a Finnish addict rejoicing in his recent acquisition of the tainted product:

Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

The Finnish Government was the first to act by banning the imported licorice pipes in all forms.  To prevent a panic, the ban was publicized as a measure to help minimize the spread of smoking.  But by publicizing as such, customs was lax and smuggling became rampant.  It became necessary for INTERPOL to step in directly to break up the ring.  It was hoped that by disabling the main source of the product, that the problem would diminish.  Unfortunately it seems that copy-cat producers have already stepped in with alternative products.

The evil that can not be suppressed 

Care for a 3Rastateers, or how about a Puff-A-Mint Pattie (then see this link)?

NOAA to Continue Search for Mermaids

Planned NOAA expedition confirms mermaids are real

By Phoebe Miller

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) had recently publicly announced that mermaids were fictional.  However, mermaid researcher Chester Horowitz has uncovered evidence that suggests that NOAA may have falsified this announcement.  

"No Comment"! said this sponsor.

Under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), Chester claims to have obtained recent documents that reveal NOAA may have requested significant funding to plan and mount an expedition to search for these creatures.  $3.4 million dollars had apparently been requested for Fiscal Year 2013 NOAA funding to "equip research vessel to continue the search for Homo Aquaticus and uncover their Caribbean breeding grounds."  The documents also revealed that several resort hotel complexes within the Caribbean have provided co-sponsorship of previous expeditions.   

Previous Expeditions

Officials from NOAA and project co-sponsors declared "no comment" when confronted with this evidence.

Nibiru Bopped by Hale-Bopp

Comet plunges into Planet of Doom

By Esther Woodhouse

The planet Nibiru's course towards Earth has been altered after being struck by comet Hale-Bopp.   Famed astronomer Carl Leaky reports that the comet had veered its trajectory the past month, making a beeline to the planet.

Some may remember that Hale-Bopp came into fame due to its association with the Heaven's Gate Cult.  Leaky had no explanation for the comet's change of course, or its suicidal plunge into the planet.

Comet Riders?

BFRI Member Raped by Bigfoot

Calls were apparently mistaken as mating calls

By Ernie Shackleford

Members of the Bigfoot Field Research Institution (BFRI) were recently surprised when their Bigfoot calls into the wilderness were responded to in a most unexpected way.  After many repeated howls, Bigfoot researcher Bobo McCay was startled when he was suddenly attacked by an apparent Bigfoot.  The huge creature lunged at him from behind a tree.  It grabbed him, threw him on the ground, and then began to abuse him...sexually.

Suggestive Calls

Although Bobo tried to resist the beast, he was eventually vanquished by its tremendous strength. Bobo ultimately submitted to the creature's desires as his resistance waned.   "It's musky smell was overpowering" he said.  He was freed only after the squatch had satisfied its lust.   Bobo's overall assessment of his experience "Well, with the exception of the smell, she wasn't all that bad."

And here are some more lusty Bigfoot tales (Warning: not for kids!)

U.S. Wants Brazil's Captured Alien

U.S. to file formal extradition request for return of Brazil's captured alien

By Marly Watson

Go Home ET!

The United States Department of Defense and Central Intelligence Agency have both started formal proceedings to request extradition from the Brazilian government for the return of the captured alien seen in the popular YouTube video.  The alien, nicknamed  "Benny", had recently escaped from the Area 51 Watertown Detention Facility (WDF), where he had been incarcerated since 1948.  A portion of this escape had been recorded by WDF ground security cameras.  Here Benny can be seen disabling these cameras.

Benny's Escape

Both the CIA and the US Air Force are highly interested in Benny's return.  Throughout his lengthy incarceration at the Watertown facility, he has witnessed and been privy to many programs that should not be revealed to the general public.  In the words of one CIA official who desired to remain anonyomus "Benny knows too much".  

Benny's ship had been kept in storage at the WDF since its crash in 1947. The USAF had only partially repaired the craft back to service due to not fully understanding the advanced technologies in its design.  Benny succeeded in reaching the ionosphere before his machine malfunctioned and crash-landed back to earth in the Amazon, near the Brazilian town of Manaus.  He was quickly captured by the Forças Armadas Brasileiras.  His filmed interrogation was leaked to YouTube which sparked the resulting controversy.

Benny's Interrogation

The Brazilians have implemented extraordinary security procedures for his safety due to high-visibility interest in Benny from multiple sources,.  But because of limited funding, they are unsure of how long these procedures can be kept in place.  Meanwhile, a small conglomerate of concerned world citizens, the "Freedom Again for Benny" (FAB) group have vowed to seek his release though both legal and "other" means.