Army Attempted Creation of Superhuman Soldiers

From the days of “What the heck were we thinking?”

By Sidney Speltzer

Inspired by both comic books and Hollywood, the U.S. Army once attempted to create a team of superheroes. It was hoped that superhuman powers would be induced by utilizing intense radiation to mutate a squad of soldiers.  It was 1957, and the Army Brass were all abuzz with investigating the possibilities for their new toy, the atomic bomb.  Hollywood movies “The Amazing Colossal Man” and “The Incredible Shrinking Man” were both released that year.   The influence of these movies was significant, as the “Brass” all came to the simultaneous conclusion “Why couldn’t we do that?”
 

Inspired by Comic Books and Hollywood

Knowing little of genetics, or the possible side effects of radiation, the Army quickly assembled a team of five volunteers (and a sixth non-volunteer cameraman) and placed them within a strategic location at the Nevada Nuclear Test Site.  They then launched a 2 Kiloton nuclear weapon to explode directly above them, with the hope that the team would mutate into a squad of superpowered soldiers. Project lead, General Armbuster postulated, “If we can get just one member of the team to mutate, then it will be worth the risk.”

The Fantastical Five

Amazingly, all members of the team survived the blast.  Unfortunately none of them become endowed with superpowers.  But the Army was successful in mutating them, as all six eventually developed cancer.

International Children’s Drug Ring Busted

Group was raising money for summer camp

By Samuel Bates

This week the International Criminal Police Organization (INTERPOL) rounded up members of a drug smuggling organization that peddled a most unusual product.  A statement issued by INTERPOL detailed a lengthy investigation that culminated in the dismantling of this international criminal organization run entirely by children.  Due to prohibitive price increases at European summer camps, a group of ingenious children came up with an alternative way to fund their yearly summer trip.  The children discovered that crack cocaine makes an excellent sugar substitute when introduced to candy. 

The group began to market their “product” in a special form favored by local crack addicts, the now notorious Lakupiipu (Finnish for licorice pipe).  Police became alarmed when suddenly people of all ages began to act in  erratic ways. It became even more apparent that something was amiss these same people also developed a voracious appetite for a certain candy.  The following video illustrates a Finnish addict rejoicing in his recent acquisition of the tainted product:

Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

The Finnish Government was the first to act by banning the imported licorice pipes in all forms.  To prevent a panic, the ban was publicized as a measure to help minimize the spread of smoking.  But by publicizing as such, customs was lax and smuggling became rampant.  It became necessary for INTERPOL to step in directly to break up the ring.  It was hoped that by disabling the main source of the product, that the problem would diminish.  Unfortunately it seems that copy-cat producers have already stepped in with alternative products.

The evil that can not be suppressed 

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